Little things

It’s weird how I’m experiencing things myself and then writing this blog side by side. I got no advices to give nor any memory to share neither any pain to talk about. 27th of april and today’s weather was quit pleasant, least some relief from Delhi’s scorching heat. Just sitting on the terrace with Maa, as the cool breeze touches my face and I’m having a hard time managing my hair. All I can hear is the sound of the vehicles.

And now breaking the silence between us she says, “gana laga le ginni” (I think she’s bored of me,haha). And here I play “veervar by diljit”.

And now we are re-planning our shopping spree which is due from the past 3 weeks ! At this she grumbles about her busy schedule and how she can’t even give herself a holiday on weekends(she is a working woman). And now she hopes the weather to be this good on this weekend so she can be ease at the market.

Here comes my brothers and papa and now they are remembering a funny incident about my aunt (bua) and we all share a short little laugh.

This is the time…being away from all gadgets (me being on the phone,writing this blog), all stress we face throughout the day, time to relax and share moments.

Little things and moments 

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How anxiety feels like. I’m fine…

It’s like you wanna shout on top of your voice . Like you wanna ruin and break things. Like you want to hurt yourself ,  with a blade. Scratch yourself with nails. You wanna cry soo loud, forgetting your breath ,  bang your head on the wall. Every cell of your body seems to be on high kinetic energy and they all crashing with each other . Hallucinations and feeling nauseous . And suddenly everything becomes blank , a weird tune passes through your head constantly in a monotony .

Friendship

Similar thoughts, stupid jokes, crazy stuff, same food choices, same state of mind and non stop talks is that all friendship about.

“Hi, how are you?”

“Am good, how are you?”

“Fine. I saw your profile , even I love shahrukh khan”

“Really? thats cool. haha”

And it continues.

Social media has taken over all our lives. We make friends, discover things and see new things. Social media has made us more alone and prone to depression I believe . Hence this visual world has given us a different type of depression . Gone are the days when friendship was made up of all pure feelings between two people. Friendship had a different meaning ,seeing each other daily, talking day to night (face to face), knowing each other from the heart, sharing little little things, exploring together & learning . Friendship somewhat shaped our personality (in a good way). People never cared how you looked.

Today things have changed drastically. At a stage where little ones who should be playing with other ,  growing up so positively , they are stuck up in gadgets these days. Nobody wants to know eachother , nobody wants to connect. People are always stuck up on the social media. Yes they are connecting to each other but its making people more far. Gatherings are less. People dont wana see each other even if they do, they are always more interested in clicking pictures and updating everything on social media. Nobody wants to see whats inside , yeah they want to see your facebook profile first . If you look good in your pictures yes they’ll message you if not you feel sad that nobody likes you. In today’s world respect is not gained by establishing something it’s known by how much likes and comments you have on your pictures. Depth of a friendship is known by how much hashtags and long paragraphs you’ve  posted with their photographs. This mainly can be a reason for people being really great friends at the start and then slowly their interests  fades away. Two people who couldn’t stop texting day and night slowly slowly miss out on eachother. This type of connection somewhere kills the friendship. It’s all cause of the visual world we are living in right now. Nobody is able to connect through, everything is happening temporarily , for fun, bonds aren’t durable.That day isn’t far where we’ll all be talking robots. Or just robots maybe.

10 things to do in your 20’s

Being twenty something is such an exciting time of your life. But do we actually appreciate this decade of our life and fully enjoy it ? This time is full of new possibilities and new experiences ,  Perfect time to explore your true self and the world.

We’re young, we’re wild and we are free !

TRAVEL MORE

Visit as many different places as possible.You will not only meet different people and try new things, but you will also widen your horizons and get a new perspective.

SAVE MORE

Don’t be reckless with your funds.Although money can’t buy you happiness, they can really spare you some troubles later on.As you start earning, you may be tempted to spend your entire salary on clothes or gadgets.Learn to save an extra cash for your life anytime.

DO CRAZY STUFF

Do you want to try skydiving? Or bungee jumping ? Don’t leave it for tomorrow. You won’t get any younger. The older you get, the less adventurous you become.

HAVE A PLAN

Many people regret that they didn’t focus on what they wanted. The reason is that they didn’t have a plan.Don’t spend your twenties wondering, without setting goal.Give yourself time to enjoy life and figure out what to do, but set a deadline.

SPEND TIME WITH YOUR LOVED ONES

Life is too short. You will only get busier with the year. You will have much things to do when you grow and won’t  be able to spend time with your parents. So while you’re still developing in life make some great memories with your loved ones.

FALL IN LOVE

Meet new people, make friends, go on dates. 20s is all about getting socialised and you never know you may spot the love of your life anytime. Just keep your senses open.

LEARN TO COOK

No ! cooking is not a woman’s thing. In order to be independent you need to learn basic household work. No matter if you’re a man or a woman. You should know how to cook in some basic food. Buying food from outside is expensive and not good for your health. So why not learn some recipes and save money for yourself.

DEVELOP A HOBBY 

Everybody has talent be it dancing,painting, writing, singing or whatsoever. Its good to have a hobby and keep yourself occupied. It not only refreshes up your mood but also destresses you up and leaves you with a clearer mind.

STAY FIT

Nobody wants to lead a slothful life. Get up and workout. I’m sure you dont want to look like potato in your 20s. You can do anything, exercise ,  go out for a jog or even meditate. Make time for your fitness and it will help you in long run.

 GAIN KNOWLEDGE 

You’re never too old to gain knowledge . The world is an intresting place. You should read new books and expose yourself to new things happening worldwide.A young mind is a curious mind, you will be able to absorb knowledge more easily.

So brace yourselves up and don’t be a slow coach. 20s is the rollercoaster ride of your lifetime. So live while you’re young ! 

God exists ?

Who created us? Why are we here ? Why do we exist ? Who decides what will happen next ? Why do we pray and hope?

Im just so curious to know it all. Do I believe in God ? I don’t know , I guess im more of an atheist. No not atheist maybe am happy being skeptic about this.

Maybe, it’s because of the way how I was brought up. Both my parents are working, they are busy 9 – 5 daily. I’ve never seen them doing religious practices ,  doing pooja, chanting mantras or even going to a temple . Yeah they are very practical. Men in our Indian society usually dont do stuff like these, Mother is expected to practice such things but in my 20years of consciousness I never saw my mom being so active in these things. She is a very practical woman and always asked us to just study and study and drop everything behind. My father shares a similar story. Yeah we do visit temples in navratris and perform pooja on diwali (once a year) but my childhood was never socialised in such a way. I was never encouraged or forced maybe to practice such things.  Now being grown up , watching things change so rapidly, corruption in the name of GOD  , it doesn’t intrest me.

Killing of innocents in the name God, Wasting  food,  milk, money, time and energy in the name of God. Polluting the environment in the name of God. 

Where lacs of people sleep empty stomach on streets of India there are some people out there showering the stones (who they claim to be there God) with milk and ghee and what not ! 

If God made this earth then why would be greedy for your milk and sweets. Why can’t flowers be in there plant and look beautiful ? who do they have to be plucked out and made into a garland to be thrown away the next morning in Garbage.

I have this huge krishanji temple right in front of my house where all the people  living in my society worship, so its kinda famous. Every year twice I witness this heart breaking scene. During navratris almost all Hindu family worship all 9 days, they refrain from doing all bad things, decorate the small temple in their house, buy new clothes for the idols of Gods and do what not. But on the 10thday all that pooja ka saman is taken out and left in the mandir. Why ? All that stuff lost its importance on the 10th day ? How ? I see that stuff rotting until it’s smell becomes unbearable and then its dumped away.

How can a stone be carved out and made as God. How can clay be moulded and then worshipped so  sacredly.

Maybe I came in this world at a time where everything is messed up.

They say we are protecting Our God. seriously ?  the God who created the world doesn’t need your protection ! This universe, this galaxy is soooo damm huge, and this earth barely occupies a dot, How can God be protected by us humans? How do you know God exists? 

People follow religion just for the survival of their race. If going to God and praying to him made everyone’s life better then why do innocents die, injustice takes place, why isnt everbody happy, why do people have to sleep empty stomach ?

Did God wrote up some set of rules ? Then how do some random people take decisions for the whole community? How can women be forbidden from most of the things ? Did God advised them to oppress them? If people follow religion for betterment of their life then why most of the negative things happen in the name of God.

There is nothing like luck or destiny. We are responsible for what we do. Id be happy about the fact that I got what I hardworked for rather than cry and blame God for whatever result came.

Its only the positive energy around us which can connect all of us. And I still don’t know that God exists or not. I may come across a day where I’d believe in him ( without any proofs ) I do, want to go out for this, and explore my spiritual side. Humans need HOPE to live. They need a place of peace, where they find their true self, where they balance themselves mentally. Maybe thats why human brain came up with the concept of a supreme power. I believe, as long as people have hope, they have the courage to face the next day no matter how matter their lives are but when other pandits or gurus etc start taking advantage of this thing, that’s where the game gets dirty.

We don’t need hard facts, we need emotions.

What made me grow up

While listening to Eminem’s “loose yourself” one fine early morning while going to college it made me realise how the choice of my music has changed in the past 4 to 5 years. How I have changed, How I have evolved as a person as a human being. And this took me to a series of flashbacks and some deep thoughts.

I was never a “very intelligent” student. Always average, Always. No matter how hard I tried I could never score more than 80% in my tests and exam and I still don’t  know what lacks in me.

Change of school, change of environment, separating from friends forever, coping up with studies. It was a hard time completing 11th, I nearly flunked cause of the mental trauma I went through. Wasn’t being able to keep up with such sudden changes alone. No one to share with. Somehow got into 12th , till now I had somehow adapted to this monotony . Made some good friends life seemed to be better. After a year of solitude, I started going out, hanging out, started laughing, joking, making new friends. Life didn’t seemed to be that bad. That little bird who always feared flying started to fly high and started chirping again. She was a free soul now, a fierce flyer , coped up from the past.

The struggle of getting into an indian government college is real. There was no place for mediocre like me in any medical college of India. I dropped a year. First few months felt like a vacation . No school !  But as the year went by the waves of seriousness started to weaken foundation of the rocks of my patience. I decided not to take coaching and self study. Sitting at home, from day to night. Just sitting and reading the books again and again. Again and again. No social connection . I deactivated my Facebook cause everytime I logged in it made me sad seeing others enjoying, making new friends and exploring. No I wasn’t jealous but yeah some kind of inferiority complex hit me everytime .

Each night was a constant battle between my mind and my sleep. Overthinking, Overthinking, overthinking. And every morning was like a punishment . Nothing to do. Just studies. No one to talk to. Yeah there were some nosy relatives always wanting to know about my studies, my college, how much I scored. No one stood by me except my parents. Life was getting hard Sometimes I would just sit and stare at the wall and think about the random moments which I couldn’t ever bring back. I couldn’t make it to college after dropping that year. I couldn’t ….

Next year, same feelings ,  didnt wanted to compromise . So dropped again. “What? Is baar hua nahi ?” ” are is saal bhi college nahi mila kya” “are btech krlo” “is se nahi ho paega” “admission nahi mila ? aww” .  Again.

I started making my self mentally immuned to such questions. No one would encourage you, or support you except your parent. Not even your siblings. It was hard trying not to care about what opinions world holds for you.

Still I  kept my cool and hoped that my time would come. People would look down on you as if your are the most shallow person on earth. Even if somehow you survived , this Indian society wont let you live, or this judgemental society I shall say. Same books, same course, same questions , same answers, same boat, same destination . At one point of time I felt that even after studying so much I wasnt going anywhere. Doing the same thing again and again made me feel no difference.The pain wouldn’t pass. I felt like an estranged human on a boat amidst a wide black ocean. I could see no shore and my survival supplies were getting finished day by day.

I would sleep every night praying not to wake up next morning. Felt like a liability .  Biggest liability . I’m a waste.

Those long list of friends just had 1 or 2 friends to whom I would seldom talk. Walls starred to feel like fence of thorns. It felt like the world out there had forgotten me. 

Those ambitious feelings had now turned into thoughts of suiciding.  Lost almost all my willpower. All you could do is just sit and glaze at the  walls. I hardly walked so my knees started hurting. Depression. Life felt directionless. I started eating more and gained 10kgs. People would  look at me in disgust and judge me.In those 2 years Not a single relative of mine spared me from throwing taunts. People thought my parents didn’t wanted me to study as I’m a girl and many such  Indian stereotypes.

Bright colour tshirts became black and white. All those cute pretty clips in hair turned into a single loose rubberband on my head.There was a point where I myself didn’t wanted to see my face, I stopped looking the mirror. Loud laughs and words said without thinking changed into silence seldom disturbed by short sentences  (one or two words maybe). Small little scolds felt like knife going through my heart. 2 – 3 small words were pretty enough to leave me in tears. Overthinking, Overthinking and overthinking.

That’s how my taste in music changed. leaving behing the fancy bollywood songs, rock music. I started listening to Eminem, just to cheer my self up , to gain some mental strength .He got me through this. If it wasnt Eminem and his motivational raps I wouldnt have been able to make it up till here.

That year I couldn’t get through again, Instead joined some other course.

I did something I hated. COMPROMISE.

That bird who never cared and always flew high, chirping and singing has now hurt her wings which can never be healed now.

Choti Diwali outfit and makeup

Hey guys, Diwali 2k16 is here. So thought of sharing what clothes and makeup I wore on choti Diwali.☺

 Foundation – Lorea’l Infallible in shade golden beige

Concealer – maybelline fit me(medium)

Eyes – sephora smokey eyes pallete

Lipstick – Miss claire lip cream in ( No.11)

Added a bindi for that Indian touch ☺

Crop top – customised

Skirt – customised

Earings – much more (karol bagh)

Have a happy and safe diwali 💖