While listening to Eminem’s “loose yourself” one fine early morning while going to college it made me realise how the choice of my music has changed in the past 4 to 5 years. How I have changed, How I have evolved as a person as a human being. And this took me to a series of flashbacks and some deep thoughts.
I was never a “very intelligent” student. Always average, Always. No matter how hard I tried I could never score more than 80% in my tests and exam and I still don’t know what lacks in me.
Change of school, change of environment, separating from friends forever, coping up with studies. It was a hard time completing 11th, I nearly flunked cause of the mental trauma I went through. Wasn’t being able to keep up with such sudden changes alone. No one to share with. Somehow got into 12th , till now I had somehow adapted to this monotony . Made some good friends life seemed to be better. After a year of solitude, I started going out, hanging out, started laughing, joking, making new friends. Life didn’t seemed to be that bad. That little bird who always feared flying started to fly high and started chirping again. She was a free soul now, a fierce flyer , coped up from the past.
The struggle of getting into an indian government college is real. There was no place for mediocre like me in any medical college of India. I dropped a year. First few months felt like a vacation . No school ! But as the year went by the waves of seriousness started to weaken foundation of the rocks of my patience. I decided not to take coaching and self study. Sitting at home, from day to night. Just sitting and reading the books again and again. Again and again. No social connection . I deactivated my Facebook cause everytime I logged in it made me sad seeing others enjoying, making new friends and exploring. No I wasn’t jealous but yeah some kind of inferiority complex hit me everytime .
Each night was a constant battle between my mind and my sleep. Overthinking, Overthinking, overthinking. And every morning was like a punishment . Nothing to do. Just studies. No one to talk to. Yeah there were some nosy relatives always wanting to know about my studies, my college, how much I scored. No one stood by me except my parents. Life was getting hard Sometimes I would just sit and stare at the wall and think about the random moments which I couldn’t ever bring back. I couldn’t make it to college after dropping that year. I couldn’t ….
Next year, same feelings , didnt wanted to compromise . So dropped again. “What? Is baar hua nahi ?” ” are is saal bhi college nahi mila kya” “are btech krlo” “is se nahi ho paega” “admission nahi mila ? aww” . Again.
I started making my self mentally immuned to such questions. No one would encourage you, or support you except your parent. Not even your siblings. It was hard trying not to care about what opinions world holds for you.
Still I kept my cool and hoped that my time would come. People would look down on you as if your are the most shallow person on earth. Even if somehow you survived , this Indian society wont let you live, or this judgemental society I shall say. Same books, same course, same questions , same answers, same boat, same destination . At one point of time I felt that even after studying so much I wasnt going anywhere. Doing the same thing again and again made me feel no difference.The pain wouldn’t pass. I felt like an estranged human on a boat amidst a wide black ocean. I could see no shore and my survival supplies were getting finished day by day.
I would sleep every night praying not to wake up next morning. Felt like a liability . Biggest liability . I’m a waste.
Those long list of friends just had 1 or 2 friends to whom I would seldom talk. Walls starred to feel like fence of thorns. It felt like the world out there had forgotten me.
Those ambitious feelings had now turned into thoughts of suiciding. Lost almost all my willpower. All you could do is just sit and glaze at the walls. I hardly walked so my knees started hurting. Depression. Life felt directionless. I started eating more and gained 10kgs. People would look at me in disgust and judge me.In those 2 years Not a single relative of mine spared me from throwing taunts. People thought my parents didn’t wanted me to study as I’m a girl and many such Indian stereotypes.
Bright colour tshirts became black and white. All those cute pretty clips in hair turned into a single loose rubberband on my head.There was a point where I myself didn’t wanted to see my face, I stopped looking the mirror. Loud laughs and words said without thinking changed into silence seldom disturbed by short sentences (one or two words maybe). Small little scolds felt like knife going through my heart. 2 – 3 small words were pretty enough to leave me in tears. Overthinking, Overthinking and overthinking.
That’s how my taste in music changed. leaving behing the fancy bollywood songs, rock music. I started listening to Eminem, just to cheer my self up , to gain some mental strength .He got me through this. If it wasnt Eminem and his motivational raps I wouldnt have been able to make it up till here.
That year I couldn’t get through again, Instead joined some other course.
I did something I hated. COMPROMISE.
That bird who never cared and always flew high, chirping and singing has now hurt her wings which can never be healed now.